There are those who say believe that they can take on whatever life hands out, and that they will never be caught off-guard by the curve balls that life throws at them. I'm not like that.
The past few months have been the most terrifying, unstable, and beautiful months that I have ever experienced. They have been terrifying because I went from knowing what my future was going to hold to not having the slightest clue. This eventually led to unstable. My emotions and fears and worries have had me on such a crazy roller coaster that I don't think I'll ever go to another amusement park as long as I live. But then there's the beautiful part: I was given the chance to find myself. For so long I had based my identity on who I was with. I was a Christian with Steven, I went to church with Steven, I worshiped with Steven, I had the opinions that Steven had... Granted, it isn't a bad thing to have someone share your values and beliefs, but those values and beliefs have to be your own first. You have to stand strong on your own before you can even begin to stand strong with someone else. Unless there is a strong committed relationship with God, then there can't be a strong committed relationship with another human. It took all of this pain and confusion and heartache for me to fully grasp this.
I'm at a place in my life where there is still so much confusion, so much uncertainty. I'm still terrified. And yes, even still very much unstable. Throughout all of this, though, I have learned that I am never alone. That God has never and will never leave me nor will He forsake me. He created me. He loves me. Even though I still struggle believing this, I know that, when all of this is said and done, I will be a much better person than I ever was before. And when I finally see my Father face to face, I'll know that all of this was completely worth it.
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