Thoughts

Ok. So, it's 2 am and I can't sleep. For some reason the song "Breathe" (the Anna Nalick version) is playing over in my head. So I begin to really think about the lyrics... "Life's like an hourglass glued to the table." And you know? It is. You sit and you stare at the sand streaming through the glass and you want so desperately to rip the hourglass from the table and turn it over, turning back time. Perhaps you want to fix something in your past that you regret, or maybe you want to go back and relive a moment in your life, one that really brought you happiness. Or, maybe, you're just afraid to die. But, whatever the reason, there is one simple fact that is being overlooked: time spent longing to turn the glass over is time wasted. With each passing moment, each feeble attempt to rewind time, precious time is lost. Why is it that we do this? Why do we get so focused on time that has already past that we end up wasting the time we have remaining? We need to stop focusing on time that has past, mistakes that have been made, or things we wish we could have done differently, and we need to make the most of the time that we have left, "redeeming the time because the days are evil", Ephesians 5:16. Become who you've always wanted to be but were too afraid to embrace. Take on a new job or hobby that you've always desired to have. Don't be afraid to love with all that you have. Don't be afraid to let someone you completely, just the way you are. Life is but a vapor (James 4:14), and if we spend too much time trying to "unglue the hourglass", we'll end up wasting it all.

"Without You" - Hinder

I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather
'Cause lately all we do is fight
And every time it cuts me deeper

'Cause something's changed
You've been acting so strange
And it's taking its toll on me
It's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more every day
Without you, I'm seeing myself so differently
I didn't wanna believe it then but it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away, well, I never thought I'd say
I'm fine without you

Called you up 'cause it's been long enough
And you said that you were so much better
We have done a lot of growing up
We were never meant to be together

'Cause something changed
You were acting so strange
And it's taken its toll on me
It's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave

Without you, I live it up a little more every day
Without you, I'm seeing myself so differently
I didn't wanna believe it then but it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away, well, I never thought I'd say
I'm fine without you

'Cause something changed
You were acting so strange
And it's taken its toll on me
It's safe to say that I'm ready to let you leave
Whoa! Yeah!

Without you, I live it up a little more every day
Without you, I'm seeing myself so differently
I didn't wanna believe it then but it all worked out in the end
When I watched you walk away, well, I never thought I'd say
I'm fine without you

Without you!
Without you!
Without you!

I just wanna be alone tonight
I just wanna take a little breather

It's time to start something new.

There are those who say believe that they can take on whatever life hands out, and that they will never be caught off-guard by the curve balls that life throws at them. I'm not like that.

The past few months have been the most terrifying, unstable, and beautiful months that I have ever experienced. They have been terrifying because I went from knowing what my future was going to hold to not having the slightest clue. This eventually led to unstable. My emotions and fears and worries have had me on such a crazy roller coaster that I don't think I'll ever go to another amusement park as long as I live. But then there's the beautiful part: I was given the chance to find myself. For so long I had based my identity on who I was with. I was a Christian with Steven, I went to church with Steven, I worshiped with Steven, I had the opinions that Steven had... Granted, it isn't a bad thing to have someone share your values and beliefs, but those values and beliefs have to be your own first. You have to stand strong on your own before you can even begin to stand strong with someone else. Unless there is a strong committed relationship with God, then there can't be a strong committed relationship with another human. It took all of this pain and confusion and heartache for me to fully grasp this.

I'm at a place in my life where there is still so much confusion, so much uncertainty. I'm still terrified. And yes, even still very much unstable. Throughout all of this, though, I have learned that I am never alone. That God has never and will never leave me nor will He forsake me. He created me. He loves me. Even though I still struggle believing this, I know that, when all of this is said and done, I will be a much better person than I ever was before. And when I finally see my Father face to face, I'll know that all of this was completely worth it.